Forgiveness
Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."
–Matthew 18:22
The Challenge of Forgiveness
Many people have a difficult time with forgiveness. In Matthew 18:22, Jesus calls us to forgive seventy times seven. Forgive seventy times seven! No way! But we all have to deal with forgiveness on a regular basis; it’s a critical part of our human relationships. We’re called to seek forgiveness when we’ve done something wrong, but we’re reluctant to offer it when we’ve been unjustly treated.
On the surface we feel forgiveness is easy, but we soon discover that forgiving is not as easy as we thought. Forgiveness becomes a complicated matter. And when we try to force it to be a simple matter, we usually end up experiencing failure or frustration.
The challenge of forgiveness comes from uncertainty about the meaning of forgiveness, knowing when to offer it and how to offer it, combined with the accompanying emotions of being wronged (anger, betrayal, hurt, confusion, for example) and the very real stress of handling those emotions.
If we’re willing to take the time to truly and deeply understand what Jesus is teaching us regarding the act of forgiveness, we will see hope. And in the end, the process of forgiveness will make sense and provide us with the comfort and relief that Jesus promises us in His teachings.
Forgive and Forget
We’ve heard the saying many times that we are to forgive and forget. But how do we forget a hurtful act that was committed against us? To make matters worse, if we are to forget, does this mean we are to open ourselves up to the same type of experience by allowing the person to harm us again? Are we going against Christ if we want to avoid someone who has been hurtful to us?
Let’s first begin by reviewing the definition of forgiveness. To forgive means to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake. As we review the definition of forgiveness, we realize it does not include instructions that we are to forget. To forgive simply means to set aside one's anger toward another. What a huge burden is lifted from us! We are not expected to forget a terrible act that was committed against us. And besides, does forgetting really make sense? If we are able to forget the act, then would there be a reason to forgive? To quote an unknown author: “It takes greater forgiveness to forgive a grievance that we remember clearly than to forgive a grievance that we have partially forgotten." What a wonderful quote! Forgiveness requires strength because of our remembrance. However, we need to be careful that remembering the offense does not cause us to go down the wrong path. We need to fully understand Jesus’ teachings to ensure we are following His instructions regarding forgiveness.
Why We Must Let Go of Anger
When Christ calls us to forgive, we are expected to adjust our attitude toward the sin of another; we are to set aside our anger toward the person. But why set aside our anger? Don’t we have a “right” to be angry? We know from the teachings of Jesus that He calls us not to be angry, and there is a good reason for this teaching. First, being angry at the person accomplishes very little. Our anger does not hurt the other person, and even if it did, it would not offer us any sense of resolution or comfort. Secondly, and most importantly, holding onto anger causes us to become a slave to the original sin. We allow the original act to continue to injure us and drag us down emotionally. We relive the pain over and over again in our minds.
Reliving the pain fuels our anger, and this anger usually spills over into more sin. Because of our anger, we end up wishing harm upon the person, gossiping about them, or chastising them. Our continued anger leads us to propagate more sin and jeopardizes our relationship with those we love. This is why God will never condone our anger, even under what we perceive as a justifiable circumstance. If anger were justifiable, then I do not want to begin to comprehend the wrath of God’s anger for my disobedience to Him.
Feeling hurt is okay. Who doesn’t feel a sense of hurt when we’ve had someone do, well, a hurtful act toward us? But we cannot heal if we continue to scratch at the wound. Instead of being angry, we need to look to our loved ones to provide us with relief and comfort from the hurt we are experiencing. And just as a physical injury requires time to heal, we need to allow ourselves the necessary time to recover from the emotional scars of sin.
Forgiveness Without Condoning
Forgiveness does not mean we are to place ourselves back into a harmful situation, nor does forgiveness mean we are condoning the original act of sin. If someone were to, for example, violate our trust, yes, we are called to forgive, but we are not called to continue placing ourselves back into the same situation. When someone commits a great sin against us, it is understandable for us to distance ourselves from the person. We need to exhibit a prudent attitude toward the person in the future; not as a means of punishment, but instead as a means of removing the possibility of future sin and harm to ourselves.
So to summarize up to this point, forgiveness means to set aside our anger. We are to look to our loved ones or experienced counselors to provide us with relief from the hurt we feel, and if necessary, distance ourselves from the person to allow our healing to occur.
Repentance and Forgiveness
The second part of dealing with sin is understanding repentance and its relationship to forgiveness. Repentance means sincere regret or remorse. The Biblical definition takes it a step further to include a change of mind and heart that results in a turning away from sin and toward God. So, with true repentance, people actually change their ways. There is a sense of transformation and adjustment that occurs.
As a young man, I used to wait for a person to express their repentant attitude toward me before I’d be willing to forgive. I would use my anger as a form of leverage against the person. I wanted to try to force the other person into repentance by having them suffer the wrath of my anger and resentment. We’ve all tried this form of forcing repentance.
However, Jesus teaches us to forgive always with no preconditions. The best way to do this is to understand that repentance and forgiveness are not directly linked. In fact, it is better if forgiveness comes first, even before repentance from the offender occurs. We are to forgive first, and by forgiving first, we relinquish the effect of sin over to God. We remove the burden of having to stay angry.
And isn’t it much better when someone reconciles with us when they’ve had no ransom of anger held over their head? I’d rather a person come to me of their own free will to repent. Do you see what is going on here? Genuine repentance occurs when there is no “worldly” reward.
Right now, God is not angry with any of us for our sin; we are forgiven. It is not like God is inflicting pain on us to try to prod us into submission so that we repent; therefore, we are not to do the same to another person. God is loving us unconditionally; hoping and calling to us to come of our own free will. He seeks a true expression of love from us; a deep down desire to be with Him to the point that we will recognize our sin and go to Him and repent of our own free will.
We’ve all sinned and we’ve all caused someone to feel the effects of our sin. We’ve regretted what we have done, and we finally, after many attempts to avoid it, accepted that we have sinned. When we acknowledge our sin and the hurt we have caused, it frees us to go to the person and express a repentant attitude. It is under this condition that repentance takes on a pure and sincere form.
The Power of Reconciliation
The third and final part, reconciliation, is the restoration of friendly relations. The act of sin, followed by forgiveness, and then repentance, brings about reconciliation. Simply stated, when both parties truly care about one another these steps will occur. We value the love, the person, and their companionship enough that we will continue to forgive seventy times seven.
Regarding Matthew 18:22, this verse should not be taken out of context. God is not calling us to continuously expose ourselves to sin or someone who is not repentant. The prior verse, Matthew 18:21, sets up the context, “Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"”
Yes, as difficult as it may be, if a brother in Christ were to make a mistake, and reconcile with us, and commit another offense, yes, we are called to forgive again. Why? Because we are all sinners and we all continuously sin! Should God set a limit on the amount of sin we are allowed to commit before He will stop forgiving? I certainly hope not. Jesus says that we are to completely and always offer forgiveness, and between two brothers in Christ, reconciliation will take place.
The Penalty of Sin
There is one more part to all of this that we really need to understand. This final part cannot be left out, or we will have some unanswered questions. This final part is the penalty for sin. Yes, even though we are forgiven, we repent, and we reconcile, there is still a penalty.
Let’s start off with a simple illustration. Let’s say I stole money from a brother in Christ and then I repent and repay the stolen money. Does this leave me off the hook? No, because there is a punishment for the original sin. If the sum of money I stole happens to be a large sum of money, chances are our judicial system will press charges against me and I will be facing some time in jail. We cannot assume that forgiveness abolishes the penalty, because if this were the case, then there would be no need for Christ.
Punishment is difficult for us to navigate. It sounds simple enough, and we’ve all heard the saying, “Lock him up and throw away the key!” If someone were to injure us during a violent act, we expect the person to be punished. We expect the person to go to trial and to be given a punishment. We want their freedom to be taken away so as to give us a sense of retribution; or in the extreme case, we may seek the judge to impose the death penalty.
But retribution seldom provides a remedy for the emotional scars and pain we suffer as a result of sin. Our anger cannot be subdued through the suffering of another person; it is only through our own internal ability to forgive that this occurs. There are many parents who have had to deal with a loved one being murdered. The family left to deal with the effects of murder soon discovers their emotional anger seldom goes away, even after the criminal is dealt the harshest punishment.
And to make matters worse, the victim and their family have little control over how the trial is conducted. My eyes were opened recently regarding violent crimes and how the criminal trial is conducted. I learned that the criminal trial is between the state and the perpetrator. The family of the victim has no real authority over the criminal trial and the subsequent punishment; only the state has this authority. And as with our judicial system here on earth where punishment is out of the victim’s control, the punishment phase of sin is out of our control. The punishment phase of sin is between God (the judge), and the sinner. Those of us who have been affected by sin have no authority in this relationship. So forgiveness is to exclude the seeking out of punishment; we need to, as difficult as it may be to accomplish, set aside our feelings of retribution because the basis of retribution is anger.
We need to allow our judicial system here on earth to handle this world's affairs, and we need to allow God to deal with His affairs in the spiritual world, because He is the final judge.
God’s Mercy and the Hope of Christ
“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
–Romans 6:23
And what is the punishment for sin? It is death, or separation from God, or the infamous “Lake of Fire”, a place of pure sin, a place where the pain of sin is unimaginable. But there is hope. We are to accept Christ and have an attitude of repentance regarding our offenses against God (sins). And through our repentance, the penalty portion of our sin is paid for by Christ. God is merciful toward us because He withholds His anger and allows the punishment part of the sin to be placed on the shoulders of His son, Jesus Christ (the Cross). We should not take pleasure in the punishment of another person because we are all sinners. God’s desire is that everyone finds Christ, repent, and be washed by the blood of Christ; even the harshest of criminals.
Living Out Forgiveness
Sometimes the term “forgiveness” is used too broadly, placing us into an unreasonable and difficult situation. We are not called to be superhuman and just “wipe our memory clean” regarding the effects of sin upon us. Yes, we are called to deal with our anger as in all situations, along with not having a judgmental attitude. Forgiveness is an act of sacrifice and compassion on our part. By clearly understanding the relationship of forgiveness, repentance, reconciliation, and punishment, we can take a huge weight off our shoulders which allows us to get ever so slightly closer to what Jesus calls us to be.
Prayer for a Forgiving Heart
Dear Father God,
I find it difficult to set aside my anger when someone commits a sin against me. I am tempted to seek retribution; I am tempted to have the other person feel the deep pain and emotional suffering they have made me endure. I am tempted to begin gossiping, to share my feelings of distrust, and to tear down the person who offended me.
But I understand, just as you forgive me, I am called to forgive as well. I am called to forgive others as you teach me in the Lord’s prayer. I am to set aside the destructive emotions which propagate sin and, instead, turn these emotions over to you. I do this to free myself from the chains of anger; and by doing so, I free myself to become a stronger follower of your son, Christ, and His ways.
In Jesus’ name I pray.
Amen.
One final note, a movie called “The Shack” addresses the topic of forgiveness and I recommend watching it.
